The Way I Loved You
by rosebudreader
Summary: "I never knew I could feel that much, and that's the way I loved you" A Lily/James song fic


**_Hello everyone! Here's a one-shot/song fic thing that I worked on while I was away. I got inspired and I thought it would be super fun to try this. It was super fun. Anyway, enjoy!_**

**_Update: This story is based off of Taylor Swift's song 'The Way I Loved You'. I recommend listening to the song while reading! :)_**

**_Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do no_****_t own anything_**

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"Oh Lily, he's so- so yummy," Marlene cooed, eyeing off David as he walked away from the Gryffindor breakfast table.

"Yummy? Marlene, he's a boy, not a pancake," Lily replied, laughing. She turned to her other friends for support, only to see that they were all staring at David's receding figure.

"Oh but how I would like honey on him!" Alice whispered. Lily's face grew bright red.

"Alice! You have a boyfriend!" Lily swatted Alice playfully on her arm and Alice had the decency to blush.

"Doesn't mean I can't admire!" Lily rolled her eyes and looked back to her breakfast.

"So, have you kissed him yet?" Mary asked, once David had disappeared from their view.

"Who? David? Yeah, sure," Lily shrugged, it wasn't a big deal. She'd kissed plenty of guys, plenty of times.

"'Yeah, sure'?! Was he any good?" Emmeline's eyes widened and she gestured with her hands.

"Sure, he was good." Lily still didn't understand why it was such a big deal. She simply kissed a boy she'd gone out with.

"Is he your first since- well since, you know," Mary stumbled at the end of her sentence and Lily sighed. It always came back to this.

"Yes, he's my first _kiss_ since James. But it's seriously no big deal!" Lily slammed her fist lightly against the table and her friends nodded.

"So true, no big deal," Alice smiled at Lily as she spoke, making Lily feel like she was missing something.

"Just a boy," Mary added.

"Well, are you going out again?" Marlene asked, raising her eyebrows. At this Lily blushed.

"Next weekend," Lily looked down at her food to hide her smile.

"Where's he taking you?" That time it was Emmeline. It seemed her friends were taking turns investigating.

"Just to Hogsmeade, he said he had a day planned,"

"Ooh! A day planned! How romantic!" Alice placed her head her hand, smiling wistfully, "I wish Frank had a day planned."

"I'm sure he'd do anything for you if you asked," Marlene reasoned, taking a sip of her cold tea.

"Yeah, but it'd be nice not to have to ask," The girls nodded along with Alice.

"Lily, I don't think I've seen you this happy in a long time," Mary mused, staring at the smile on Lily's face, her hands tapping lightly on the table.

"He's just so perfect! He's sensible and charming and- oh he's just incredible! When he saw me he said I looked beautiful- beautiful! I don't think I could ask for anything better," Lily took a breath out, still smiling widely.

"There were too many exclamation points in that sentence for so early in the morning. But I'm glad. You deserve David," Emmeline placed a hand on Lily's shoulder.

"I do, don't I?"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"Lily, what the hell are you doing here?" James almost yelled at her, his hooded eyes widening as he saw Lily sprawled out on the common room couch.

"James! You're ok," Lily's sleepy figure jumped up as soon as James spoke. She rushed off the couch and into his arms; any previous signs of sleep quickly fading.

"Why are you still awake? I told you to not wait up," James pushed her back, flinching slightly as she grabbed his wrist.

"I wanted to make sure you were alright, which you're not," Lily nodded her head to where James was cradling his arm.

"I'm fine," James said; his tone final, voice low.

"You're not fine! You're hurt!" Lily moved closer to James, trying to take hold of his injured arm. James only backed away.

"Lily this is none of your business," James tried to turn away but Lily blocked him.

"None of my business? James," Before Lily could say anything he spun around to face her, his eyes angry.

"This has nothing to do to you. I'm not a project that needs fixing. Go on back to bed," James spoke fast and Lily's heart dropped as he finished.

"You don't understand," Lily shook her head.

"I don't understand?! Lily, why don't _you_ leave before you get mixed in something that you don't need to," James' words dripped with venom and Lily shuddered.

"I love you James. You're not my bloody project. You're my bloody life," Lily looked down at her shoes as she spoke. They'd only been dating a few months and suddenly Lily wasn't sure if she should have said that aloud.

Lily waited with baited breathe for something to happen. She could see James' feet, there were still. Lily looked up slowly to see James looking at her wide eyed, all anger erased from his face. Lily could see him swallow and open his mouth as if to speak. He closed it again.

"Don't worry. I'll let you clean yourself up," Lily felt tears sting her eyes and she spun around, starting to walk to her bedroom.

"I love you too," James called out, causing Lily to freeze. She turned around slowly to see him standing where he was before. He offered her a small, shy smile and Lily's heart started beating again. Before thinking, Lily ran to him, hugging him tightly. She heard him moan.

"Shit! I forgot you were hurt," Lily quickly let go of him and James groaned again, though this time for a different reason.

"It doesn't matter. Come back here," he gestured with his arms and Lily laughed.

"I'm going to get you fixed up, then I'll think about that," James rolled his eyes at her but obliged when she pushed him down on a chair. He sat still while Lily cleaned the wounds he had and bandaged them. She had done extra reading on healing and was able to piece together some spells to use to ease James' pain. After she had finished she looked up at James to see him smiling happily at her.

"How about now?" Lily rolled her eyes but walked closer to James, draping her arms over his neck and kissing him softly on the lips.

"I'll think about it."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"You don't think I'm good enough for you?" Lily breathed; her stomach dropping. James raised his eyebrows angrily.

"What are you talking about? Of course you're good enough for me," James roared, his voice sharp.

"But I'm a muggleborn, and you're a pureblood," James opened his mouth as if to start speaking but Lily stopped him with a look, "Don't tell me you've never thought about that?"

"Of course I've thought about it. And I've dismissed it, like I'm going to dismiss _you_ in a moment,"

"You're going to dismiss me? Like I'm a servant?" Lily spat, "Or do you mean you're going to break up with me, because I'm sure I can handle that easily."

"I _meant_ that I have too much homework for you to be annoying me with your stupid questions!" James slammed his fist on the table and Lily stood there, speechless.

"You think I'm a waste of your time," Lily whispered, anger pouring through her voice. All she could see was James; his face livid, muscles tensed.

"What? No, but you're wasting my time now" James grumbled, unaware of what Lily's mind was telling her. She was a useless muggleborn that James was wasting his time with, until someone real came along. Did he even love her?

"Do you even love me?" Lily asked, daring to speak aloud. James looked up at her, puzzled.

"Lily I don't understand you! Yes, I love you. I wouldn't have told you, _showed you_, if I didn't." James lowered his voice, finally understanding that this mightn't be a stupid question after all.

"I'm just a filler, aren't I? Until you can find proper partner, a pureblood." Lily hissed the last word; it felt heavy on her tongue.

"Now I know you've gone crazy," James stepped around his desk and took Lily's hand in his own. She immediately shook it off.

"James you're not denying it. You're telling me to stop worrying, but you're not denying it." Lily hugged her arms around her body, shivering.

"I'll deny it as much as you need me to. No, nope, never, nej," James stepped closer to Lily again, wrapping his arms around her tightly, she tried to struggle but James wouldn't let her go.

"What was that last one?" Lily whispered against James' shoulder.

"It was Swedish," James smiled widely at Lily and her heart sped up, "It means no. Like all the others. Because no you're not a filler and no I don't care that you're a muggleborn, and no, I know that you're too good for me,"

"I'm too good for you, am I?" Lily asked. She could feel James's laugh through his chest, although she didn't hear it.

"Yeah, way too good," James replied, running a hand idly through her hair. Lily wrapped her arms around his torso. She didn't feel like arguing anymore, it was fruitless. Lily dropped the issue, letting James pull her to the couch and lie down on the sofa. Even when James started kissing her, muttering sweet nothings into her ear, all Lily could think about was how she wasn't good enough for him.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

*RING RING RING RING*

"Lily dear, can you get that?" Mary, Lily's mother, called from the sitting room.

"Mum! I'm doing homework! The phone is right next to you!" Lily rolled her eyes, typical parents.

"Oh gosh. Fine, I'll do it by myself!" Mary Evans got up from her position on the couch and picked up the telephone, "Hello? Oh, hello dear, how are you?"

"Who is it?" Lily yelled after her mother had been on the phone for over 15 minutes. She was expecting a call from David any moment now, and she didn't want her Mum to block the line.

"It's David, he wants to speak to you" Mary replied, Lily stood up in a huff, why was David talking to her mother?

"Thanks Mum, I can take it from here," Lily all but snatched the phone from her mother as Mary Evans muttered a hasty goodbye.

"Be nice," Mary whispered as she walked past Lily. Lily shook her head.

"Hi," Lily said into the phone. Taking a seat on the stool that stood beside the telephone.

"Hi Lily, how are you?" David asked, his voice perfectly amicable. Lily wanted to throttle him through the phone.

"I'm fine. And you?" The formality of her words made Lily want to gag.

"I'm brilliant. How has your day been?" Lily could hear David smile through his words.

"Alright, now listen. What were you talking about with my mum?" Lily spoke hastily, feeling justified when David made an embarrassed noise on the other side of the phone.

"We were actually discussing her Rotary Group,"

"You were discussing her what now?" Lily said, disbelievingly.

"Her Rotary Group, last time I was over she mentioned it. She said she'd take me along one day." David gained his usual friendly confidence.

"My mother? Take you to her Rotary meeting? Does she want to bore you to death?" The idea of David and her mum spending time together without her sounded ludicrous to Lily.

"I think it'd be fun. You could come too." David spoke genuinely, as if he didn't realise the effect his words were having in Lily, "Mary was telling me how you girls never get into her interests"

"Mary? Us girls? What are you, my mum's best friend?" Lily spat out the question, shocked to hear about the relationship her mum had formed with her new boyfriend. Lily's mind quickly went back to the relationship her parents had with her old boyfriend. She smiled.

"No, no. We were just discussing. Is everything alright?" David finally asked, although he didn't seem to realise it was him who had frustrated her.

"Everything's peachy. Listen David, I've got lots of homework. Maybe we can talk later?" Lily spoke quickly, eager to get off the phone and wipe this conversation from her memory.

"No problem. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, tomorrow. For ice-cream?" David didn't seem put out that Lily had forgotten their plans.

"Oh yeah. Of course. Ice cream." Lily immediately wondered if James had ever taken her out for ice cream, but chided herself when she realised. She should not be thinking about James when she was on the phone to her boyfriend.

"Good. Pick you up at 2?" David asked. Lily nodded, her hand itching to hang up the phone.

"Of course. See you," David's last words were cut off as Lily hung up, banging the phone as she placed it back.

"Everything alright Lily?" Her mother asked, walking in from the other room moments after she had hung up the phone. Lily guessed she was listening in.

"David is taking me out for ice cream tomorrow. 2 o'clock," Lily saw her mother shake her head fondly.

"Oh dear, I already know. David was telling me that he was going to take you to this quaint little shop a little while away. Sounds lovely," Mary turned to start walking back to the kitchen, so she didn't catch the face that Lily made.

"Brilliant." Lily muttered. Her mum didn't hear her as she disappeared into the kitchen. Lily placed her head in her hands and tried to remind herself of all the lovely qualities that David, _her boyfriend_, had. Recently it had become harder to admire all his qualities, and instead all she saw was how perfect he was. David; her _perfect_ boyfriend with _perfect_ manners and _perfect _hair. Lily didn't know how much more perfect she could stand.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"David, I'm sorry," Lily whispered, tears falling down her face. She wasn't crying because her heart was breaking, she was crying because it wasn't. She didn't feel anything.

"Over? We're over?" David said disbelievingly, his eyes widening slightly.

"It's- it's just not working out," Lily tried to explain, looking up at David. She'd never seen him so frustrated.

"But we love each other," David explained, although Lily knew he was wrong. She'd never loved him. She didn't think she could ever love him.

"I'm no good for you. You deserve someone better, someone safer," Lily stood up and placed her hand on David's arm, trying to calm him down.

"I deserve you!" David yelled, eyes roaring.

"I'm not good enough for you. We both know it. You need someone quiet and kind and thoughtful. David all I am is a storm," Lily smiled sadly, her tears drying. She was a storm and David was an umbrella, he couldn't protect himself from her.

"You're a storm? Lily, we're quelling it. I'll help you, whatever it is, I'll help," David misunderstood what she said, and Lily shook her head.

"I don't need to be quelled. Nothing's wrong with me. I'm only going to hurt you,"

"You're hurting me now," David shook his head, placing a hand on the back of his neck and rubbing it.

"Not much. You'll get over me. I promise," Lily took a step back. Leaning down to pick up her coat and putting it on quickly.

"I don't want to get over you," David offered, one last time. Lily only shook her head harder.

"You need to," Lily said finally, walking away. She heard David call out her name but she didn't stop, she didn't even slow. She didn't feel anything. She wasn't numb like when she had broken up with James. She felt nothing. Her heart felt lighter, freer, it felt whole again. Lily swallowed as she began walking up the stairs to her dormitory. How was she going to explain this to her friends? To her parents? How was she going to handle James?

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"You've got to be kidding me," James hissed, although Lily could tell her face didn't look like it was joking.

"James, I-" Lily tried to talk but her words got stuck in her mouth, choking her, threatening to bring her down.

"We've talked about this." When Lily shook her head James spoke again, "I love you. Don't leave me,"

"I love you too," Lily whispered, salty, hot tears falling into her mouth as she spoke.

"Then why are you doing this?" James moved closer to Lily, trying to hold her, but Lily took a step back. She couldn't lose her resolve again.

"Because I can't put you at risk. I've lost everyone that I love. My sister, my parents, I don't want you to be another." Lily explained, her hands forming fists at her sides, the nails digging into her skin, drawing blood.

"You're losing me now," James whispered, his eyes sad. Lily didn't know if she'd ever seen him so upset. She couldn't do it. She couldn't put him through this.

"But you'll survive. You'll live till you're old and have beautiful babies and a nice, big house. James it'll be worth it if you live,"

"I don't want to live without you Lily." James tried stepping closer to Lily again. Lily shook her head.

"You can. You will." Lily could see tears forming in James' eyes. She didn't want to see him cry. She didn't know if she could handle seeing him cry.

"Doesn't it matter what I want? Doesn't it matter how I feel?" James yelled this time. His words filling up the heads common room, making Lily shiver.

"No" Lily said curtly, wiping the remaining tears from her eyes and standing up straighter, "Not anymore."

"So this is all about you?" James spoke venomously, his words like knives in Lily's heart. She couldn't possibly show him how awful she felt. It would only fuel him to keep fighting.

"You could say that." Lily didn't even feel herself speak. She was on autopilot. Her mouth moving of its own accord, her legs taking her somewhere she didn't know, "It doesn't matter anyway. It's over between us."

Lily walked away from James, leaving him standing alone. She moved to portrait hole, secretly wishing James would call after her. He would call after her, like in a movie, and then she would turn and go back to him. But he didn't. Lily snuck a glance back as she closed the portrait door, James was standing still, his eyes open wide, mouth hanging loose. Lily couldn't handle it- so she ran. She felt numb. She couldn't feel her feet slapping loudly on the stone, she couldn't hear her laboured breath. She couldn't feel her heart, her head. She couldn't feel anything. She ran until she was lost. Coming to sit in the corner of a hallway on a floor that she didn't recognise. She hunched over on the floor, her arms wrapping tightly around her legs. And there, sitting in a cold, dark hallway, Lily finally let herself cry.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"Lily, you have to get up. You can't stay here forever," Alice nudged Lily's shoulder lightly with her hand. Lily growled at her.

"I can and I will." Lily replied, turning over on her bed and closing her eyes again.

"Lily you've already missed one week of classes. I can't make any more excuses for you and I don't think you should miss this much of NEWT work." Emmeline moved to sit on the bed beside Lily.

Ever since she'd broken up with David she hadn't gotten out of her bed. Her friends were bringing her food, taking down notes for her and giving excuses to professors. A few times David had tried to talk to her, entering the Heads dorm, demanding to see Lily. Lily didn't know who it was who told him to leave, but she was grateful. She didn't think she could handle seeing David, and feeling nothing. She felt guilty. She'd just broken up with her boyfriend of two months and all she could think about was James.

"Nothing matters anymore," Lily muttered, turning to finally look at her four friends, all crowded on her bed.

"So what, you broke up with David? You'll get over him. We'll drink him away at Hogsmeade next week," Marlene offered. They all thought she was hung up over David. She wished they knew.

"But I've gone and ruined everything. Everything!" Her friends looked at her strangely, before Mary spoke.

"We're not talking about David, are we?" Mary asked. Lily's eyes opened wide, she didn't think they would know.

"Of course... We broke... David..." Lily muttered, she couldn't find it in her to deny it.

"You're still hung up on James, aren't you?" Alice asked, her eyes growing wide, "You haven't gotten over him."

"He's just a boy," Lily tried, but it wouldn't work. She knew she was wrong.

"He's _the_ boy, isn't he?" Marlene raised an eyebrow at Lily and she nodded. But no matter how much she wanted him, Lily had ruined it already. She'd ruined it by breaking up with him, and then she'd ruined it by going out with David. Lily couldn't do anything right.

"He's been protecting you all week, you know that?" Lily widened her eyes, Emmeline had to be joking.

"Emmeline's telling the truth," Mary nodded, "Every time David has come in, James sent him out. You should have seen the black eye David had the day after you two broke up. James smiles every time he sees him."

"You're lying. Don't lie to me." Lily reasoned, why would James protect her? From her ex-boyfriend especially. Lily broke his heart.

"He still loves you, Lily. That much is obvious," Alice smiled at her friend- this was the most Lily had spoken the entire week.

"But I broke his heart," Lily said desolately, "Even if he still loves me, he won't want me back. I ruined what we had. I tried to protect him. I only ruined everything,"

"You didn't ruin it. I think you fixed it." Lily raised her eyebrow questioningly at Marlene, urging her to explain, "You always took each other for granted. James never really appreciated you. He has learnt to. I can tell by the way he looks at you now. It's different."

"Marlene so help me God if you're..."

"She's not lying. It's true. James always knew you'd be there. It wasn't healthy." Alice cut in. Lily looked at Mary and Emmeline, they were nodding along.

"But what can I do? How can I fix this?" Lily asked. This caused them all to stop nodding. Alice smiled sadly at Lily.

"You know Lily," Alice stood up. Soon all her friends stood up too, smiling at Lily as they filtered out of the heads dorm.

"We're here to help Lils, whatever you need," Marlene added before closing the door, leaving Lily alone to her thoughts.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"I can do this," Lily whispered to herself, checking her reflection in the mirror one more time before turning to the door. She was just going down to breakfast; as she had done almost every day for the past 6 years. Lily took a step towards the door and stopped. What was she so afraid of anyway? Was it running into David? Surely not. Lily could handle him. She knew her friends wouldn't even let him in her sight. She took another step. Maybe it was the stares? People would surely be talking. Lily Evans, head girl, breaks up with the most eligible bachelor in Hogwarts and then goes missing for one week. No, Lily knew she could handle that. People were always talking. One more step. The door loomed ever closer, and Lily's stomach tightened. Two more steps. Pause. Lily reached out to touch the door handle. One breath in. Open. Lily stepped out, into the heads common room. She realised exactly why she was afraid.

"Lily" James said, smiling softly at her. He was sprawled out on the largest sofa in the common room. His hair a wonderful mess and his eyes alight with something close to happiness. When he saw her leave her room he stood up, walking closer to her. Lily swallowed, resisting the urge to run back into her room and lock the door.

"James" Lily nodded, trying to smile back. She knew it came out more like a grimace and she was shocked to see that James didn't mention it.

"You heading down to breakfast?" He asked nonchalantly, like he'd been doing it all his life. Lily nodded and James smiled, "Wanna go together?"

"Don't see why not," Lily shrugged, trying hard to stop the butterflies banging against her chest. James' smile widened and he held out his arm. Lily stared at it as if it were an alien. James put his arm down when Lily didn't move. She saw a slight blush creep up his cheeks and he started walking towards the portrait.

"Coming?" He asked, once he'd stepped out of the room and Lily hadn't moved. Lily nodded slowly, walking towards him. James closed the portrait door behind her and fell into step with Lily as they walked to breakfast in silence.

"David was a prick. I'm glad you two broke up," James said suddenly, causing Lily to stop in the middle of the hallway.

"Pardon?" She asked, shocked at how openly he spoke.

"All I'm saying is, you deserve better. You should have heard him after you two broke up." James muttered, his cheeks grew red again and Lily couldn't imagine anyone ever being as incredible as this boy in front of her.

"I know what you did. Marlene told me David had a black eye," Lily smiled at James as his cheeks grew redder.

"Listen, I didn't mean to- but you should have..."

"Thank you," Lily interrupted James. His eyes grew wide and he smiled brightly, nodding.

"It was nothing. Honestly. It was fun," This made Lily laugh, the sound filling the cold, empty hallway.

"Was he a pansy? I always imagined him to be a big pansy when it came to fighting." Lily explained.

"Didn't even hit him hard. I swear he was going to cry!"

"He wouldn't be very good at protecting me in a bar fight, eh?" This caused both Lily and James to lapse into laughter. Lily placed her arm on James' shoulder to steady herself.

"I'm sure you'd be able to protect yourself in a bar fight." James mused, he smirked at Lily as she hit him lightly on the shoulder. Lily's smile faded quickly as she looked at James. He had changed. She didn't like it.

"Since when did you get so chivalrous?" Lily asked, acting as if the question were a joke.

"I've always been..." Lily cut him off quickly.

"You've changed. You'd never offer me your arm. Not even when we were together," The mention of their relationship made them both stop. But James quickly shook his head, looking at her.

"David was always so gentlemanly. I'd never see you carrying any books when you walked together. I never saw you open a door," James looked down at the floor, embarrassed. Lily's heart sped up infinitely as she realised the weight of his words. He was trying to change, for her.

"I felt like a little kid. Do you know how infuriating it is to have your chair pushed in? Everyday?" James looked up at Lily, his eyes disbelieving, "And his hair, did you see his hair? It was hard as a rock, hair gel! You can't see that from afar."

"I've never used hair gel" James responded, running a hand through his hair subconsciously. Lily wished it could be her hand.

"Don't. It's uncomfortable. Oily," James chuckled at this, his shoulders moving silently.

"And I don't think I'll remember to open doors for you every time we go to class but I'll try- really Lily I'll try and.." Lily held up her hand to stop him.

"Don't change James. I've missed you so much."

"But David was so different, he was Mr. Perfect," James sounded frustrated.

"And I broke up with him because he wasn't you. I tried, I tried really hard, but it didn't work. He wasn't you. He couldn't be." Lily explained, swallowing her pride and speaking honestly with James. She was sick and tired of hiding her feelings.

"But..."James started, only to be cut off by Lily again.

"But he was perfect, I know. He was infuriatingly perfect. You wouldn't believe it James. He was friends with my mother! Called her Mary and everything. He called exactly when he said he would and every time we went out he was on time. He never got me home late. Not even a minute. My parents loved him," Lily was out of breath. She stopped, breathing slowly. James was silent, his face calculating.

"Your parents hated me," He said, Lily's face broke out into a large grin.

"And I'm so glad. I'd take that over everything else." James smiled too; he took a small step towards Lily.

"You'll take that?" He asked, his eyes questioning. Lily nodded, god damn it she nodded.

"I'll take it all. Whatever you have to give me." Lily closed the gap between them, her hands pressed against his chest and his wound around her waist, "James I'm so sorry. I was..."

"Let's not talk about that," James interrupted, drawing Lily impossibly closer to him, "Let's never talk about that."

"But-" Lily started; James pressed a quick kiss to her lips, silencing her. The momentary friction between their lips made Lily shiver. Oh how she'd missed him.

"If you promise to never speak of it again, then I'll promise to get you home late every single time we go out." Lily didn't try to stop the smile that broke out on her face this time. Instead she reached up to kiss James again.

"Deal"

_**I hope you enjoyed reading that! Reviews are always welcome. I have a few more song inspired stories that I've started writing, let me know if you want to read them :)**_


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